You’re so Vain.
A lot of times in life, we don’t fully appreciate what we have until it’s unexpectedly snatched out from under us.
My independence was one of those things.
I don’t mean “independence” like the process of growing up. Much rather, the independence that most people are granted in their 20s. No kids, no husband/wife, no other people to support. The gift of being able to wake up in the morning, pursue whatever you’d like to, and not give a single fuck about someone else’s issues.
I didn’t know it was something that could be taken- until it was.
For my most loved ones, this year has entailed their entire world turning upside down.
(I)
It started with one catastrophe. I remember the night so clearly because it still gives me goosebumps. Amidst the chaos, the first text I sent to my parents was: “I think it’s going to be a really hard next few months.” By “hard”- I meant hard to see one of the most important people in my life go through so much pain & knowing it wasn’t going to end anytime soon.
My instinctual reaction was to hold her so tight in hopes that some of the pain & grief would rub off onto me and leave her. But apparently that’s not how things work. So instead, I did my best. Everything in my power, in hopes of alleviating even .001% of how much she was going through. I had a full cup, and didn’t mind pouring into someone’s which had been accidentally spilled.
However, I wasn’t prepared for what happened after. Once the floodgates opened- it was one mishap after another. Not just for her. But for almost every person around me that I love.
So I kept pouring into other glasses. A bit in March, a bit in April, & a whole fuck ton in May. Until my glass was empty.
As my loved ones were bearing their own massive burdens, I tried to stand there and catch anything that spilled over. I’d wake up in the morning and worry about someone else- before I had a chance to check in with myself. I never really told any of them how many people in my life I was simultaneously trying to help. Mostly because complaining was the last thing I was entitled to at that moment.
And if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
Having family & friends is the biggest blessing in my life. So the momentary pause on my life to try and take care of those that I love- is a small price to pay.
But somewhere along the way, I sort of stopped taking care of myself. Stopped swimming & started just treading water. I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone in months about anything that’s genuinely on my mind. I hit a point where I didn’t have much left to give, and nothing left for myself either.
I used to have such a strong sense of self, and by the time July hit- that was practically nonexistent.
Therefore, I promised myself upon going to Europe for the summer- that my sole goal was to put myself first. In hopes of getting back to where I once was.
& I was pretty ruthless in the process. I traveled with other people but:
If I wasn’t having a good time, I left.
If I was tired, I slept.
If I wanted to take 2 hours to get ready, I did.
If I wanted to ditch everyone and be alone, I ditched.
Was it incredibly rude sometimes? Yes, absolutely.
But for me, I sacrificed enough time this year tiptoeing around and taking the L- that the only way of rebuilding the hierarchy of what matters to me was by starting at the bottom and putting my most basic needs first. Slowly filling up my cup again.
A selfish summer, I guess. & it was refreshing.
(II)
But on an evening in early July, I met up with an old friend group. In New York, I was one of them. But since I moved to California, I had become the odd one out.
That night I came home with a nauseous feeling in my stomach. Being with them flung me back into my old world and a groove which felt so right. However, I’m also a very different person than I was a year ago, and part of it felt so wrong.
Looking at everyone around me, I don’t know how to explain it really. The way that we walk, talk, and conduct ourselves is so niche. It’s something you can tell we pride ourselves in & have worked hard to cultivate. Each and every one of us feeds on attention. When we walk into a room, we want every single eye on us. We want to be the best dressed no matter where we go. We love to sit in circles and humble brag about all that we’ve done. And most importantly- we rarely give out ‘sorry’s. Actually, people that over-apologize get on our nerves.
And looking at them that evening, from a different perspective, I had this gut feeling that they’d never done anything out of the kindness of their heart. Every gracious action was linked to furthering their own personal agenda.
If you met me a year ago, that’s exactly the type of person I was.
Ego on the moon, and not a single word of criticism for miles. Absolutely nothing to bring me back down to Earth.
And out of everyone in this group, there's one person that isn’t all the same. He walks, talks, and carries himself impeccably. When he steps into a room and eyes shift onto him- he enjoys it. But when he sits down in circles, he doesn’t brag about his accomplishments- because said accomplishments silently precede him. And for context, he arguably has the most to brag about. You can see by the way that he holds doors that he would never leave anyone behind.
I don’t know what he’s been through, but his demeanor is the exact middle ground that I strive to carry myself going forward.
Because I don’t want to be same ignorant person I was a year ago, but I really don’t want to stay as the person I’ve become in between.
It’s almost like this period in limbo, a quite vulnerable position, where I’m still building myself back up. Building up the confidence & ruthlessness that I once had. Without losing the compassion & care that I learned along the way. Finding that drive that I once had to be extraordinary; which somehow got lost while I was struggling to stay above water.
(III)
And amidst all this, I have an urge to latch onto someone, literally anyone, that can help build me back up. My best friends have too much on their own plates to be that person for me. So somehow, for the past few months, every single candidate for this position has been a guy.
Generally speaking- I’ve noticed that for girls, having a significant other gives us a disillusioned sense of stability. As much as we love being single, I think every girl loves being taken even more. It’s almost as if having a stable man around checks off a bullet on our mental to do list, and it's one less aspect of our lives we have to worry about.
So for me, my primal instinct is to find a boy that can be that pillar for me. Someone to check off that box so I have a better foundation as I work my way back up.
However the caveat is, and it’s almost embarrassing to admit: I get too invested. I prefer to say that "I love wholeheartedly," but it all means the same bullshit.
It means that when things go south, I'm bound to get absolutely torn to shreds. And from past experience: getting wrecked by someone while not fully sure in yourself, takes the most time to rebuild.
& time is one thing I really don’t have to spare right now.
So, for the next bit of my life- everything I do, I do for myself & I do by myself.
Because I can’t cheers ‘til I have a full glass again.
Call me Cosmic Girl, Jolene, or even the one with the apricot scarf.
I probably won’t stop till someone tells me “You’re so Vain.”
