Ignorance is Bliss
Here’s a known (but commonly forgotten) fact: what you don’t know can’t hurt you.
Another fact: there isn’t a step by step guide on how to cure a heartbreak. I’ll never forget this moment a few years ago- a little relationship of mine had just ended & I called my best friend across the country bawling my eyes out to say: “It hurt’s so bad, how do I make it stop? Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.” And she had nothing to say other than “it’ll take time.”
Recently, my heart got tossed into the wringer. It was something that I knew was coming, couldn’t avoid, and nonetheless- hurt all the same. I wouldn’t say it was a full fledged heartbreak, but it definitely made my transition back to college in California a thousand times harder than it needed to be. Beyond that, a few close people in my life are going through a bit of a heartbreak moment right now. So, I guess for the first time, I’m writing this partially for me & partially for others as well.
Before I continue, there are two things that I want to preface with:
1.) Don’t read this right now if you’re not going through a heartbreak (friendship, relationship, family, etc). The entire post will sound a bit silly and you won’t understand it. So keep it in your back pocket until the day that you might need it- and come back then. Sounds wild that I’m stopping you from reading my own blog post- but all the more for you to take my word.
2.)This took so much courage to post. I have absolutely no clue why. I’ve had it written out for over a week now, and just couldn’t convince myself to post it. The entire post isn’t even directly about me. However, for some reason, I feel so vulnerable sharing it. The fact that I have so much to say about getting my heart hurt, implies that I’ve been hurt multiple times. & as the Aries bitch I am, it’s something I don’t love sharing with others.
Now that we’ve established that. If you’re still reading, let’s turn this blog into a Wiki-how. Here’s a play by play on how to cure a heartbreak:
1.) Ignorance is Bliss
It’s the title of this blog post for a reason, so I’ll say it again: what you don’t know cant hurt you.
Social media makes it so easy to go down a horrible rabbit hole. There’s that whole slightly psycho: check their snap score, over-analyze their story posts, check who they’ve followed, see whose liking their photos, & see whose photos they’ve liked. None of which could ever lead to something other than more upset.
It’s self-sabotage if you think about it. Why do we do it?
You’re practically just going out of your way to get hurt. So, here’s me telling you: it’ll take so much self restraint, but don’t go down that rabbit hole. Nothing that you uncover will make you feel better- and I stand by that. It might take muting them, blocking them, or just deleting Instagram/social media for a while- but I promise you’ll be better off for it.
The next time someone says “omg guess what I heard about them?” You just say: “I don’t really want to know, but thanks for asking.” It’s that easy. Don’t waste your precious time.
2.) We tend to remember all the good and forget all the bad.
Somehow when things end, we just wash over the bad and remember all the good. My mental pro-con lists get torn in half and I choose to just keep the pro side. Honestly, it’s probably because you miss the comfort of having this person in your life. However, forgetting the bad creates an image of them in your mind that isn’t what they’re like.
So to stop myself from getting sucked into this: I make a list of all the things I didn’t love about them. It helps snap me back to reality when I catch myself daydreaming. More often than not- you just miss the idea of this person more than you actually miss them.
3.) Time. It’ll just take time.
You can’t rush this part and it sucks because it feels like you’re wasting time. I think in the beginning, I try to convince my brain that said person was a case of right person wrong time. That we’ll probably find each other again later in life. That this is just a little break.
However, every time I think that, it ends up not being true. It generally takes time for my brain to digest the fact that we (probably) won’t find each other again. Sucks to hear.
So- it’ll take time (and I know that sounds unhelpful). Slowly you’ll wake up and stop thinking about them as much. That spot in your brain that you reserved for them, will start to be filled with other things. Then one day, you’ll realize that it’s been a while since you thought about them. You’ll wonder how they took up so much of your brain space, and it’ll finally feel like a weight’s been lifted off your shoulders.
The only way is through- so don’t try to rush it or find a way around it, because it’ll just make the process harder.
4.) To get over someone, you don’t need to get under someone else.
Going off of my last point- in my experience, finding someone new won’t expedite the process of getting over the old person. Honestly it’ll just make the process harder, because you’ll consistently compare the new one to the old. Some people stand by the opinion that a rebound is the best way to get over someone, but personally it’s always made my process harder.
Constant attention post heartbreak to validate that you’re worth it might make you feel better for a bit, but it’s not sustainable. It’s like putting a band-aid on a cut that obviously needs stitches and time to physically heal from the inside out. Therefore, I generally just shut off that part of my life for a bit, and try and take care of myself. The moment you’re content with being single and confident in yourself again is the moment that you’ll naturally attract the energy of someone else.
5.) Chances are they’re not thinking about you.
I’m so sorry, but someone had to say it. Call it tough love or brutal honesty- but chances are they don’t think about you as much as you think about them/miss them. Because if you missed them and they missed you equivalent amounts, I’m convinced that the world would have brought you two back together by now.
Still don’t believe me? Turn on Bad Religion on by Frank Ocean and have him explain all about unrequited love to you.
To be honest, I think this is the hardest thing to grapple with (at least for me), because it makes ya feel kinda like a loser. But here I am, telling you, that we all go through it. And so it’s fucking okay to miss someone that most likely doesn’t miss you back. It’s your party and you can sure as hell cry if you want to. I’ll be the first to say that there’s no better feeling than getting a text or call that says: “I miss you” or “hope you’re well" to confirm the fact that they feel the same. However, those texts are always are far and few in between. There’s no reason to sit on the edge of your seat waiting to hear them to say that.
The moment you stop waiting to hear confirmation that they feel the same way, and just work through your own feelings by yourself is when you’ll start to feel better.
Also, if you think about it- you’ve probably been on the other side of the equation. There’s probably been someone that you didn’t think twice about- who actually missed you more than you missed them. Don’t argue with me that you’ve never been in that position- because I can guarantee you that you have (at least once), and you just didn’t know it. Isn’t that interesting?
6.) Comparison is the killer of confidence
Throughout this whole process, avoid comparing yourself to others. It’ll inevitably cause more hurt than help.
There will always be someone out there prettier, smarter & more popular than you, and by comparing yourself to them you just set yourself up for disappointment. Keep in mind that you’re just trying to be the best version of yourself, not a better version of someone else.
That’s it. 6 things.
Sometimes I treat it like a checklist & it makes me feel so much better.
As for me- it’s time for me to move the fuck on. For the past bit, I’ve only written on my blog about dating & whatnot- mostly because I was so very busy with work in New York. For most of my pressing life problems, I’m able to work through them solo. However, when it comes to being overwhelmed by my love life- the literal only way I feel better is by sharing it with all of you. It’s like free therapy.
However, I’m no longer in New York. I’m no longer heartbroken. & I’m no longer in a perpetual time crunch. Getting acclimated to Berkeley and life in California took so much longer than I’d ever expected- but I’m finally out of that shitty lil funk. With that, it’s time for me to write blog posts about everything else in my life- college, fashion, travel, health & self care- everything that this blog was originally meant for.
Better late than never, right? Can’t wait to see you around here more often.
